


Neither One nor the Other

by goetterdamerung



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-03-02
Updated: 2010-03-15
Packaged: 2017-10-07 15:55:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/66684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goetterdamerung/pseuds/goetterdamerung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning(s): Graphic het in some chapters, BDSM, partner betrayal, angst (Oy Veh is there angst), homophobia, psychological abuse, physical abuse.</p><p>Summary: Sometimes having everything is not enough... especially when what you really crave may just be within reach.</p><p>Author's notes: Yes, yes I know... het?!? Me?!?! <br/>Still, maybe it is time to play in a slightly different sandbox... hmmm; does this make me str8 curious?????????<br/>As usual, this will contain enough angst to satisfy the biggest angst whores out there (myself included). This will end in heartache/break with no real happy ending for any of our an/pro-tagonists. So consider yourself warned.<br/>As an aside, this is not a W.A.G bashing exercise; I respect both the boys and their respective partners and public choices [snerk].</p><p>Disclaimer: Not mine, The Boys and Girl's are their own people and I'm pretty sure that this in no way reflects real life situations... but it would be nice though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

 

 

Tired eyes gaze back at him, bloodshot and haggard with dark smudges beneath them, the once vibrant green now dulled and lifeless. With a bone weary groan, Jensen turns from the mirror and turns the shower on as hot as possible. Stepping under the spray and turning his back to the needle fine flow, Jensen lets out a pained hiss as the water hits his back.

 

Memories of the night before assail him, long nails scoring his flanks and raising welts on his back, the sharp sting of the bamboo cane criss-crossing his thighs and across his ass. Each welt biting deep with an intense heat and blinding pain; each stripe merges into a singular exquisite pain before morphing into mind blowing pleasure, just the memory alone forces a different groan from deep inside him.

 

 Jensen’s cock hangs lazily at half mast as his hands gently soap his chest, his fingers trails across peaked nipples; letting his right hand drift down to his cock while throwing his head back and arching his spine as his fingers enclose his cock and slowly begins to pump in smooth languid strokes. He remembers her voice whispering pure filth in his ear as she rode him slowly before grinding herself back down on him, her hips writhing frenetically as her finger frigs herself to orgasm. Gasping as he erupts against the tiles, her final words going through his mind... “Next time, I’m going to fuck you like a bitch.”

 

Jensen’s one true Achilles heel, the one thing he has craved since he knew what his cock was for... the one thing he has never allowed himself to have. If Danni wanted to strap one on and fuck, well he was all for that.

 

But fuck, what he really wants is something warm and hard and fleshy... Jensen wanted to be fucked alright, but he really, really wants to be done hard by a real cock.

 

\\\\**//

 

All she does now is complain, complains about him snoring, about him sweating at the drop of a hat, about how she hurts after sex. Jared loves her, he does, and he really does. Her petite body against his, her sweet laughter at his jokes... she even puts up with the amount of time he spends with Jensen.

 

He doesn’t understand it himself... how someone can be so right for you and still you feel there is something you’re missing. Jared knows that sex isn’t everything and if he has to start each morning bringing him off in the shower then so be it. Gen tries her best; he knows that, he’s just a little too much for her to be comfortable with for an enthusiastic and energetic sex life. 

 

It is just that sometimes Jared really wants to be able to be let loose and just fuck, but that’s alright ‘cos he knows that Gen is perfect for him in many ways... even if she did complain a bit lately.

 

But that’s OK, Jared loves Gen and that is how it is.

 

\\\\*//

 

Jared’s smirk is all knowing as Jensen gingerly seats himself in the back of the car. His smirk morphing into an outright grin at each wince Jensen makes, it is only a matter of seconds before Jared lets out a full guffaw before asking, “Good night I take it then?”, his amusement obviously colouring his voice.

 

Jensen can’t maintain the flat stare he levels Jared as a wry grin makes a mockery of the glare, “you could say that... but at least I’m getting some, unlike someone else I could mention.” Jensen’s replies before returning Jared’s grin threefold.

 

“Hey, you know Gen has problems takin’ me... sometimes” Jared’s voice tapers off as he realises that sometimes is becoming most of the time.

 

“You’re not that big Jay, lose some of the muscles and maybe Jay Junior might look a bit bigger.”

 

“Fuck you Jen, it’s not my fault that it shows and grows ya’ know.” Jared retorts and if it sounds a little bitter then fuck it, he’s entitled.

 

Jensen’s eyes take in his best friend, he see’s Jared’s discomfort and he can hear his defensiveness, letting his accent slip a little he says, “s’okay Jay, ya’ know I’m just kiddin’ ya.”

 

The rest of the drive is made in silence, Jared with his own thoughts and Jensen with his.

That unintentional disclosure has Jensen feeling a little uneasy, he’s never thought of Jared sexually before and he wouldn’t be now if not for Danni’s words last night. Jensen and Jared have seen each other naked before, plenty of times... but never when either was hard... and to give credit where it was due, even Jensen has to admit that Jared was hung, even just hanging on the slack.

 

But if it grew as well as it showed, then holy fuck... And wasn’t that a fucking apt response.

 

An involuntary clenching of his ass later and Jensen can feel himself getting a semi, wincing in embarrassment instead of pain this time, Jensen twists away from Jared slightly and tries to focus his mind on the day’s scenes.

 

\\\\*//

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Christ Jensen, what the hell did you get up to last night?" It seems to be the question of the day... seeing as this is the fourth time in as many hours Jensen's been asked.

Putting on the filthy leer once more and raising a suggestive eyebrow, Jensen leaves all unsaid and turns around and heads back to his trailer, all thoughts of food vanishing under the verbal onslaught from every god-damned person in the Kraft tent.

Changing direction mid-step is really only something that should be done by stunt men or people who are double jointed as Jensen discovers after he hits the ground in an undignified heap after he sees Jared leaving the tent with his customary four containers of food... surely Jared could be persuaded to give up one of them Jensen thinks as he hauls himself up and dusts himself off.

Hand poised at the handle, Jensen pauses as he hears Jared inside talking in the phone, "... know what's goin' on ma, it's like one minute everything is goin' great, the next... well... it's not. I'just don't know what to do about it anymore." Silence for a few moments before Jared replies again, just this time louder and more upset than before, "No ma, it's nothing like before, nothin' at'all like me an' Sandy. Sandy hated even the thought of Jensen bein' round, he's my best friend and I couldn't put up with her bad mouthin' him any longer. I feel bad enough I allowed it at all." Dropping his voice much quieter Jared continues, "Ma, no... I ain't talked to him about it; I just can't drop that on him. How'd ya think he take it if I just dropped that on him. You know how I feel about him ma, I just couldn't stand to see him hurtin' like that, no ma... I just can't do it. I care for him too much to ruin what he has with Danni."

Jensen stands there dumbfounded, unable to understand let alone parse just what exactly Jared meant by Jared ruining things between him and Danneel. It was not as if he didn't know Sandy hated his guts, didn't need to be genius to work that one out, but Jensen also knows that Jared only let's his Texas out when he's either drunk or upset and no points for guessing which one he is at the moment.

Rapping on the door to the trailer Jensen calls out, "Hey Jar, hope you've got food in there, cos' I'm coming in to raid it anyway, Kraft's outta chicken again."

Opening the door, Jensen doesn't miss the puffy face and red eyes before him, he just ignores them as he walks into the kitchenette and helps himself to one of the containers there.  
Minutes pass with only the sounds of Jensen eating breaking the silence and there is only so much that even Jensen can bear. Turing around to face Jared, Jensen is unnerved by the look that wraps around Jared. There in front of him is a man facing his final moments, pure dejection warring against self loathing with a soupcon of abject terror thrown in just for good measure.

"Jare?" Jensen's voice is soft and gentling, the kind of tone used with a hurt, lost child.

"I knew about Sandy and I know that was always beyond your control, she just didn't like me... I never thought less of you or blamed you for it, she was your girl."

Stepping closer to Jared, Jensen reaches out a hand to put on his shoulder. Jared's lurch backwards however leaves him grasping the air. Unaccountably hurt Jensen asks again, "Jare... talk to me buddy, I can't help if I don't know."

Hidden behind a curtain of hair Jared finally let's a tear slowly wind down his face, his arms wrapped tightly around his torso and his shoulders slumped. Raising his head just enough to look at Jensen, Jared replies.

"What do you do when the one you want doesn't want you... its simple, you find a stand in." Taking a deeper breath he continues, "and say that the one you found as a stand in finds out that they're a stand in... again simple, find another." Raising his head to fully meet Jensen's eyes he adds, "but when you can only handle the stand-ins for so long... then what. Nothing has changed you still don't have the one you want, you have ruined other's lives just to make your own a little better." Almost with an exhaled breath he finishes with, "and what if the one you really want most in the world is one that the world won't let you have to start with. This, Jen is my life... welcome to it."

With infinite grace and wrapped tightly around with his dignity, Jared slowly rises and reaches out for Jensen's face and gently cups his chin, letting his ring finger wrap softly around the jaw, almost caressing it.

"This is my life Jen and welcome to it."

Letting his hand drop, Jared makes his way to the door and with a final glance back at the frozen man, leaves the trailer.  
Standing there stupefied by Jared's comments, Jensen's mind is a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions, nothing making any sense. Reaching up and gently letting his fingers trace softly over his jaw where Jared's had been just a minute before, Jensen wonders just what he has been told and tries to reconcile it with what Jared was telling his mother.

Startling at the rapid knock at the trailer door, Jensen takes a moment to register that it is a PA telling him he is late to set and to get out there ASAP. Putting thoughts of Jared to the back of his mind for a moment, Jensen get's back into Dean's headspace and makes his way back onto the set.

....

"Cut!" Kim's aggravated voice booms over the set.

"Right everyone, take fifteen... I need to speak to these two, soon to be unemployed if they can't get their shit together, actors here."

Kim's irritation is obvious, both Jared and Jensen have been so far off their game that they may as well not have bothered to show up. Sam has become an automaton, barely functional at that; and Dean just isn't there at all.

"Just what the hell are you boys gettin' at here?" An obviously rhetorical question there as Kim doesn't give them a chance to answer before firing at them, "you two sort your shit, I don't care how, just do it... take the day, but make sure you're on when you get in tomorrow... or don't bother coming back at all."

Risking a glance up at Jared, Jensen isn't surprised to see that look back on Jared's face, that one where someone has run-over his dogs and left them lying in the street. Anguish and heartbreak should never be merged as they are on Jared's countenance.

"Jay... c'mon, let me in, we gotta get this sorted."

No response at all is given; Jared remains in the same spot, no reaction, nothing. Reaching out for his arm, Jensen gently takes hold and pulls him along back to their trailers like a recalcitrant toddler.

Slowly dragging Jared back, Jensen can hear the muffled sniffs and choked off half-sobs from behind him and he worries that he just may not be able to fix this in a year's time, let alone overnight.

Finally reaching Jared's trailer, Jensen unlocks to door and pulls Jared in. Gone are the sniffs and sobs, there is now only silent tears coursing their way down Jared's face as he stands before his best friend.

"Tell me Jay, please, just tell me." It is all Jensen can say as he pulls Jared down onto the sofa with him, one hand reaching up to the nape of Jared's neck whilst the other eases over the other shoulder and pulls Jared down into his arms, holding him as Jared shakes apart before him.

Slowly the murmured reassurances and gentled strokes through his hair settle Jared down enough to begin to breath normally, even going so far as to burrow deeper into Jensen's chest and bring his legs up curled beneath him on the sofa so he is practically lying over Jensen.

"No one ever sees me Jen, no one." So quiet that Jensen barely hears him, "no one ever sees me for me... only one did... then she left... but I never wanted her to see, but she did."

"I see you Jay, you know I see you."

Moving his head slightly so he can see Jensen's eyes Jared shakes his head slowly, "No Jen, you don't see me, not really see me like I want you to." Too soft words that slice through Jensen leaving him with a pain that isn't physical at all, but might just as well be in any case.

"I do see you Jay, I always have."

Jensen is completely unprepared for the violence of Jared's reaction to his honest words.

Ripping himself out of Jensen's arms and launching himself off the sofa, Jared practically screams at Jensen, "You don't see me Jen, you don't."

Rending his shirt from his body, its torn and ragged remnants hanging limp at his wrists as he yanks his jeans down with enough force that the studs raise welts as they score his skin, still not finished his boxers follow suit.

"Look at me Jensen, Just look at me as I look at you, for once just fucking SEE me."

Jensen stares up unbelieving from the dishevelled hair, down the chest where Jared's own nails have raised faint welts, further downwards past his stomach and stopping directly at Jared's cock as it begins to jut out fuelled by adrenalin and fear.

Swallowing the rocks that appeared in his throat, Jensen can do nothing BUT look and see Jared as he stands there bared before him.

"Please Jen, see me." The plea is whisper quiet, but Jensen hears it all the same.

"I can see you Jay, I see you."

Rising from the sofa, Jensen leans forward to Jared and mirrors Jared's earlier touch by cupping Jared's chin, "I do see you."

So engrossed in each other, neither one hears the door open, the first they know of being alone no more is...

"Jensen Ross Ackles, get the FUCK away from my man you fucking fag."

Five foot and a bit of pissed Genevieve Cortese is not what either are expecting,

"I knew, I fucking knew it, sniffing around Jared like a bitch on heat, fucking Sandra was right, bunch of fucking fags."

Storming out of the trailer Genevieve doesn't notice that neither man looks at her and she certainly doesn't notice Jared's face. Only Jensen does.

It is the face of peace.


End file.
